Thursday, April 9, 2009

NOT ok.

Oh I thought I wouldn't come and write this here, because I just feel like a big fat fraud right now. But still, I'll write it here.

I've been saying the weight loss is a success, that it's doing good, but that's absolutely false for the last 4-5 days. Seriously, I lost control of myself, and then the binge started. I'm not going to tell you about the 50 points over my flex and Activity points that I ingested, and I'm not going to talk about the 5 points I have over my APs and Flex right now, 3 days in my new week. No. I'm going to talk about how it happens.

It happens in the brain, my MY brain. Actually, it's way more complex than just happening in my brain, let me explain by giving you an example. I'm bored, I'm stressed, or I'm just going back to my old habits. I get up, open the cupboard. At this point, I am telling myself not to eat, as I'm not hungry. But that's when it happens. It's like the connections between my brain and my body disapears and that I have no control over my actions. Then I take the box of cereals/biscuits/crackers/whatever, open it, and while telling myself I should put it back there and not eat, as I'm not hungry, I keep on pouring the contents in a bowl. And then I eat it. Without even trying to throw it/put it back in the cup board/keep it as left overs.

Why in the world is it like that ? People who say that I should just exercise self-control are right, but it's easier said than done ! And right now, like I said, I am feeling like a big fat fraud. Sometimes I just stuff my face in something and still end up loosing weight. Sometimes I'm lucky and get a good weight in, but now that I'm getting closer to goal, the weight doesn't come off if I stuff my face like I do all the time. I need to do something about it. I just don't know what. I plan my meals, write them down in advance, nothing works, I NEVER STICK TO MY PLANS ! Well when I do it's a victory in itself, but it's what, once a month ?

Tomorrow I'm heading to the gym. I just hope to be earning enough APs to catch up.

I'm hopeless. And PMSing. I'm bloated, I'm feeling fat and ugly. And I stuffed my face in popcorn. Not the low-fat thing. Yes you guessed, extra-butter. Blergh.


misssarahlou said...

What do you generally binge on? Could you try binging on a healthy alternative first, and hope that the craving disappears. Everyone has bad days, we just gotta hope that they are fewer and far between than they used to be and i am sure that you can say that they are!? Even though you are feeling bad right now, the best thing for you to do is to forgive yourself, remember the feeling for next time but try not to dwell on it and start again. Good luck getting back on track hun :o)

Determinedin2009 said...

I'm sorry you've been having a tough week. As a binge/emotional eater myself I can completely relate to how the process happens. To me it's like I'm having a battle with myself whether to binge, and then it goes on to feel like some kind of out of body experience where my body just does it, and afterwards I wake up again and say 'why did I just do that to myself?' lol.

Self-control is a wonderful thing, but everybody has times when they have difficulty exercising it. Whether it is in relation to food, drinking, smoking etc etc. You are being so hard on yourself, and you shouldn't be. You are doing REALLY well and have come so far. This is just a little bump in the road. You can and will get it together again. You can do it!

Happy Easter :)