EUREKA!

Ok, illumination.

I found out why I binge. Just like that, ouT of the blue, while talking to my husband.

It is frustration. Frustration related to food, to life, to work, but yeah. I'm a very frustrated person, if I look at how often and how much I binged during the last two weeks. Wheeee !

Now I have to find a way to canalize that frustration. A way that does not involve food, auto destruction and destruction of other people's goods.

I mostly binge during work days. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. I often have Monday off, and I practically never binge on Fridays. (Interesting...) I don't eat like a pig on week-ends either, even when I'm working. But I know the three middle days are the most stressful (and frustratiiiing !!!) days of the week in my department.

Now, let's look at when I DON'T eat.

-When I work as an independant beauty consultant for Mary Kay. Can't eat during presentations, can I ? =P
-When I work from home
-When I bead (Try stringing a necklace with sticky fingers...)
-When I am in my bed
-When I read
-...When I sleep =P

The bed. The bed is what made me click. I eat at the computer desk, on the sofa, on the coffee table, in front of the TV... Literally EVERYWHERE except at the table or in bed. Another thing that's going wrong here, but finding the problems often leads to finding a solution. Let's keep on going.

So I eat everywhere huh ? Even at work. I eat at my desk. So from now on, I will only eat at the table. Period. I need to break the habit, so computer desk of coffee table won't be associated with food anymore. So if I can break the circle of the food associated with every single place in the house/office, I might be halfway there.

So let's try the table rule when it comes to food.

Scary.

A tour operator that was in business for 37 years here in Canada closed down yesterday. For somebody like me, working in the travel industry, that's nothing reassuring, but I feel like the company I work for will get out of this bad financial climate strong and alive.

What scares me the most is the comments I have seen on news websites, such as CBC.ca. People are bashing the company, of course, blaming them for everything, but have they thought of the people working for them ? Hundreds of employees were laid off as a result. Hundreds of people no longer have a job. That's what is the saddest.Yes, passengers are out of pocket, but at least, the credit card companies and the trust funds created for those situations will help them get their money back... The ones at destination will be brought back on their original flight, airlines already confirmed that information yesterday.

But those who lost their jobs can't get any money back. They will go on unemployment and maybe find a job, somewhere, sometime. In this situation, nobody really wins. The company recorded huge losses which lead to them closing, the passengers are not stuck, but are facing an extremely frustration situation, and the employees had to go home yesterday without a job or the confirmation they would even find one later on.

Please, people, be human. Take the passenger's side if you want, but also think of the other people implied in this. This is nothing funny, and there is always two sides to a medal.

NOT ok.

Oh I thought I wouldn't come and write this here, because I just feel like a big fat fraud right now. But still, I'll write it here.

I've been saying the weight loss is a success, that it's doing good, but that's absolutely false for the last 4-5 days. Seriously, I lost control of myself, and then the binge started. I'm not going to tell you about the 50 points over my flex and Activity points that I ingested, and I'm not going to talk about the 5 points I have over my APs and Flex right now, 3 days in my new week. No. I'm going to talk about how it happens.

It happens in the brain, my MY brain. Actually, it's way more complex than just happening in my brain, let me explain by giving you an example. I'm bored, I'm stressed, or I'm just going back to my old habits. I get up, open the cupboard. At this point, I am telling myself not to eat, as I'm not hungry. But that's when it happens. It's like the connections between my brain and my body disapears and that I have no control over my actions. Then I take the box of cereals/biscuits/crackers/whatever, open it, and while telling myself I should put it back there and not eat, as I'm not hungry, I keep on pouring the contents in a bowl. And then I eat it. Without even trying to throw it/put it back in the cup board/keep it as left overs.

Why in the world is it like that ? People who say that I should just exercise self-control are right, but it's easier said than done ! And right now, like I said, I am feeling like a big fat fraud. Sometimes I just stuff my face in something and still end up loosing weight. Sometimes I'm lucky and get a good weight in, but now that I'm getting closer to goal, the weight doesn't come off if I stuff my face like I do all the time. I need to do something about it. I just don't know what. I plan my meals, write them down in advance, nothing works, I NEVER STICK TO MY PLANS ! Well when I do it's a victory in itself, but it's what, once a month ?

Tomorrow I'm heading to the gym. I just hope to be earning enough APs to catch up.

I'm hopeless. And PMSing. I'm bloated, I'm feeling fat and ugly. And I stuffed my face in popcorn. Not the low-fat thing. Yes you guessed, extra-butter. Blergh.